How to Use the Power of Body Language

By: Derek Vitalio

What do you say when you don’t say anything?

Everything.

We dance around this topic all the time, but it’s ready for the spotlight: body language.  This is the most significant thing not just when dealing with women, but with communication period.

Nothing else even comes close.

Wonder why that thick-as-a-post jock got all the women when charming funny nervous sitcom-character-in-waiting guy got nothing in high school?

Body language.

Why James Bond got his pick of the litter and the brilliant Q got more quality time with gadgets?

Body language.

Why that ugly busboy at the corner Italian restaurant takes home all the attractive patrons and the handsome maitre-de takes home doggy bags?

All those other things you THOUGHT did the trick were just additional fuel for the fodder.  Body language is the answer to EVERYTHING.

Why?  Because it is the indication that tells you everything you need to know about the INSIDE of a person.

It clues you in to the person’s confidence, their openness, even their sexual prowess.  And if you send out the wrong signals – which most people do – then you’ve given yourself a SERIOUS hole to dig out from.

Conversely, if your actions say the right things, you are on top of a BIG mountain that you’d have to work to screw up.

The unfortunate thing is you have a CHOICE about what you say, and most don’t realize it.  Or they choose to overlook it and remain “themselves,” as if we are static representations of an image that never changes.

WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG!  If there was a hand near me, I’d slap it.  Good thing I type with my feet.

People are active, and ever-changing.  In fact, we are NEVER the same as we were in the past.  Those changes show up in our body language, but that doesn’t mean we should ditch control.

If so, we wouldn’t trouble with school, riding a bike and everyone would still be a virgin.  After all, we were all virgins once, weren’t we?

Look, there’s a difference between being UNAWARE of something, and being INDIFFERENT.  Unaware just means we don’t know what we’re doing with ourselves.  Ignorance may be bliss, but it’s not useful.

Indifference is when you know what’s going on, but you decide to ignore it.  WRONG!  Where’s that hand!

You can’t be passive all your life and expect things to come to you.  The planet doesn’t work that way (my apologies to all silver-spooners I’ve offended with this blanket statement that only applies to 100% of all living things, rounded to the closest .00000001).

You need to be ACTIVE.  You need to TAKE CHARGE of your life, and that means taking an energetic role in the changes that happen to you.

They’re coming either way.  Personally, I’d rather have a vote.

So no whining about the walk you’ve developed and how that represents YOU as you are now.  If that walk doesn’t work, kill it.  Time to get a better one.

And there’s an additional benefit beyond the initial differences that changing your body language communicates to the outside world.

It also can change your central one.  That’s right, we’re going to attack confidence both ways, coming and going.

Seriously, this works.  The Japanese have long held the belief that a messy home leads to a cluttered mind, and a clean one, a clear one.  The outer world touches our inner one, and when you change the way you move, you also change the way you think.

Don’t believe me?  Try it.  Pick a wall and stand up straight against it.  Your feet, butt, shoulders, and head should all touch the wall, exerting about the same amount of pressure (no smooshing).  Now walk away from the wall, but hold the pose for 5 minutes.

How do you feel?  Right, like someone stuck a rod up your ass.  Just what we were going for.

It’s going to feel weird for awhile, because it’s different and new.  Keep going, though, and eventually it won’t feel odd.  In fact, it’ll start to feel GOOD.  You’ll find yourself with this new CONFIDENCE that wasn’t there before and doesn’t seem to have much of an explanation.  It’s not your inner exercises – you’ll get to know that sensation.  It’s… nothing.

Except that you are standing like you are confident.  Cause and affect get blurred, and you wind up FEELING a certain way just because you are ACTING that way.

Either way, you look better standing straight, and you project confidence to all comers.  Women find you more attractive, even if they aren’t self-aware enough to know why.  Co-workers and those around you often might note that you seem… DIFFERENT.

Congratulations young Jedi, you’re on your way.

Standing up straight is about as basic as it comes, but non-verbal communication goes much deeper.

When you walk and lead with your head, not only are you hunching and sending out uncomfortable self-conscious shrinking vibes, but you’re also telling people that you have a tendency to THINK a lot.  Maybe more than you should.

Lead with your stomach, it speaks to your appetites and emotions.

Lead with your pelvis, and it says you are sexually qualified, experienced, and confident.

This might sound like a lot of crap, but try it.  Walk around for awhile leading with different parts of your body, and become aware of the changes that happen in your head.  It’s real, VERY real.  And there’s no reason bad chairs in abandoned classrooms should have more of a say about how you feel than you do.

Those nervous tics, those fidgety hands?  Lose ‘em.  Every button you finger while talking to someone – especially an attractive woman who’s trying to make a snap judgment about you – is a negative.  Every fast surprising motion says you have low self-esteem – it’s like you have to get it done before some stronger guy comes along to stop you.

It’s like the beta wolves trying to feed before the alpha wakes up and wants more – complete with herky-jerky looks to verify for his approach.  This instinct runs deep.

When you make eye-contact and drop it first.  Oh god no.  In our part of the animal kingdom, this is strong supplicating behavior.  There are monkeys which tear the arms off other animals – as well as humans – if they don’t drop gaze first.

So if you are looking at a woman and look away before she does?  You’ve just said she’s in control, and her chances of becoming attracted to you pretty much disappear.

That’s not to say you stare from a far distance.  That’s stalker behavior – when far enough away betas get bolder – and she’ll believe your a freak.  This is about close quarters, the moment before a conversation starts.

Crossing your arms?  Stop that.  You’re telling everyone to stay far away from you, so don’t be surprised when they do.

Leaning in to your target?  Why not just say “I want to have sex with you.”  That’s precisely what you’re doing, and most guys do it so early that it’s a major turn-off (unlike once she’s primed, in which case it can start speeding things up).

Standing in her personal space (which for most people is about 18 inches to 3 feet away)?  You’re triggering her to run away, which is NOT a feeling you want linked with you.  Standing right on the border of her personal space?  This can be golden if you do it right, creating a positive tension in her mind although she probably won’t know what from.  Much like really needing to piss can lead to a boner, this strain can become sexual.

Standing well outside her personal space and not directing your body at her, remaining somewhat detached?  Now that’s good – she’s going to want to know why she doesn’t have your consideration, and might start working to get YOUR approval.  Don’tcha love that?

There are thousands of little cues we give off to each other, and the BEST way to learn them is to see them in action.  Go out and find some guys doing well with the ladies.  Watch them; see what they’re doing with the way they hold themselves, and what responses they are getting.  If you think you’ve identified a non-verbal communication that signals confidence or sexual prowess or just universal alpha-ness, go practice it.  Try it out.  Odds are you won’t get it the first time, but don’t let that discourage you.  There is no better way.

Derek

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